The Best Man
Response to #119: Sex in a very public place.
by Rochefort

Thanks to Minx for reading and Canis for telling me it made her laugh (in a good way).
For Ni, whose Remus-love is constant.


The official photographs had finally been taken, the last of the guests welcomed, the health of the couple toasted, the meal eaten and even the best man's speech -- which Remus, having been treated to a sneak preview, was dreading most of all -- had passed off successfully with only four off-colour remarks about the groom and his personal habits. James had actually blushed while attempting pluckily to smile, Lily had laughed and her sister had scowled from her seat beside James.

However, as she had been scowling since her arrival at the church, discerning any change in reaction at all had been difficult. But Remus was certain he'd noticed a definite twitch in her jaw which hadn't been there before. It wasn't the kind of twitch that suggested she was about to start smiling: on the contrary, her simultaneous flinty stare as she glowered down at the spoon she was gripping in one white-knuckled fist suggested she might easily be considering its suitability as an instrument of murder by gouging. Of course Sirius, in his most expansive and effusive mode, had deliberately winked at her with a dazzling smile right after his speculation about the exact nature of James's relationship with his broom. That had been the comment which had finally caused the groom to lower his head to the table and cover his face with his hands so that only the tips of his suddenly very red ears were showing. And that, in turn, was exactly the reaction Sirius had been trying for. It was just as well James had finally admitted defeat, as Sirius really could have kept it up all night...

Suppressing a snort at the path down which his thoughts had wandered, Remus set down his goblet of wine and sat back in his seat. A smirk was spreading unrestrained across his face... and just at that moment he looked up and caught the steely eye of Petunia Evans seated opposite. Remus's smirk softened into a benign, inclusive smile which he hoped looked sincere and chaste; but if his dinner companion's reaction was anything to go by, he really ought to have practised that in front of a mirror before he left the house.

Any attempt at conversation would probably be frozen out. He'd tried while the photos were being taken outside the church, and been thoroughly ignored for his trouble. And it was difficult to chat amicably with someone who looked at you as though you were something smelly the cat had dragged in. But Lily had specifically asked him to look out for her sister, who had preferred to come partnerless rather than expose the shame of her new in-laws to her fiancé; and he did feel that annoying tug of responsibility. Peter was no help -- he was already nattering to Dung Fletcher further down the table, while Dumbledore, seated on Remus's left, was talking animatedly with the bride and groom. Remus sighed, and decided to give it another go. Sometimes it was a pain in the arse, being the nice guy all the time.

His smile was ready as Petunia's head swivelled in his direction on its 180-degree scrutiny of the room and the wildly colourful sights it held. A wizard wedding was quite a spectacle, and all Lily's family had been literally open-mouthed at the sights of some of the guests in their finery. All, of course, except her sister, who gave every impression of wishing herself on the other side of the planet, and looked as though she would happily feed belladonna pudding to the lot of them.

Petunia was staring at him now, tight-lipped, although Remus did consider the absence of disgust in her expression to be a definite sign of progress. He widened his smile, and jumped in.

'How did you enjoy your meal?'

There was a pause while she considered him, as a noble might consider a peasant who had the presumption to address him directly. She blinked slightly before replying.

'It was better than I expected.'

Remus nodded, and pressed on. 'Yes, it was delicious, wasn't it? I was quite full before the end, but the food was so good I'm afraid I just kept eating.'

You're babbling, Lupin, warned his brain, you can do better; but his mouth had started along this road and didn't seem to want to turn back now. 'And the wine is quite excellent, too.'

Shut up! he shouted at himself, as Petunia 'Mmm'ed in apparent approval before taking another sip.

'I would imagine the dancing will start soon; I saw the band setting up--'

Remus stopped in mid-sentence and sat bolt upright. Something warm was brushing up the inside of his right calf. He was aware of staring at Petunia, and his surprise was such that he didn't seem able to stop. Her forearms were folded on the table and she was leaning slightly forward while watching him over her goblet, something of a questioning look on her face. Not, admittedly, the look of someone playing footsie under the table with you, but Lily's sister was so strange, you never knew...

'I... I'm sorry; I was talking about the band.'

'Yes, you were,' she replied, still holding his gaze.

The sensation slid slowly up to his knee, pushing up his robe so that his legs were exposed to the air. The warm something evidently wasn't content to stop there. Another warm something joined it on the other leg, and together they began gently to nudge his knees apart.

He stared at Petunia again, aware now that his mouth had fallen open. He clamped it shut instantly in case she got the wrong idea.

'Err... is your boyfriend here?'

The two warm somethings were travelling slowly up the insides of his thighs. Really, this girl had the most amazing muscle control -- able to sit steady and unmoving in her seat while she inched her feet, lightly and quite sensually, it had to be said, up the legs of the person sitting opposite.

'No,' she said.

Remus was quite certain he didn't want to find out exactly how good her muscle control was.

'You... you must miss him.'

He tried to cross his legs, but the limbs attached to the warm somethings pressed against his inner thighs, spreading them apart.

'No,' she repeated.

He looked over wildly at James, but he was still deep in conversation with Lily and Dumbledore.

This had gone far enough. Remus planted his hands on the table and leaned forward to lever himself away from the prying intrusion, when shockingly, something grabbed his balls.

He decided that sitting where he was might be a good idea after all, while he figured out how it was possible for a non-magical person to do that with their feet. Really, this had all the hallmarks of a prank...

Remus looked across for Sirius. It was impossible to see beyond the three heads, black, red and grey, that conferred closely in the middle of the table between him and where Sirius should be.

And just when Remus had decided that really, this couldn't possibly be Petunia, something warm and wet and very, very familiar slipped over his cock.

He started as though a shock of electricity had touched him. Even if his conscious mind had been oblivious, the appropriate parts of his body had evidently recognised that touch, as he was already half hard in anticipation.

'No, I didn't want to bring him here,' he heard someone say in the distance.

The familiar something was sucking him, pulling at his cock as though trying to milk it, urging him to hardness.

'Nnggghh,' said Remus.

'I beg your pardon?'


'What did you say?'

Remus was aware of a heat flushing his cheeks that certainly didn't come from embarrassment at losing the thread of the conversation. His body jerked again, quite obviously this time.

'I'm sorry,' he said, slipping a hand under the tablecloth. 'What were we talking about?'

He grabbed at the head currently embedded between his thighs, pulling at its soft hair in an attempt to dislodge that mouth. Instead, long fingers reached up to circle his wrist and still his hand.

'My fiancé,' Petunia said. The haughty look, which had temporarily left her, was now back with the force of ten. 'How we're going to be married in the autumn,' she added quickly.

His mouth had fallen slightly open again, but this time he seemed quite unable to close it, not even if his life had depended on it. It had to be open to let air into his lungs, because without it, he surely wouldn't be able to breathe properly. As it was, he could see his own chest rise and fall heavily to the background soundtrack of his own faint panting.

'Good... good,' he heard himself gasp.

Petunia's eyes widened, her face paled and her gaze dropped down towards Remus's lap.

Remus quickly brought his hand back up from under the table and slammed it down by his goblet.

Now she was staring at his hand.

He didn't seem to be creating a very good impression.

He was dimly aware of Petunia pushing her chair back. She appeared to be glaring at him with mingled horror and disgust, although it was quite difficult to focus properly on her just at the moment, as his eyes didn't seem to be working very well. In fact, all sense and sensation in his body had departed their usual places to amass in his groin. And he could feel it, gathering in his balls; and he could feel those fingers pressing just behind, pushing against that spot; and he was aware of people standing opposite him, but he couldn't really bring himself to care; because then he felt it coming; and his eyes squeezed shut and he came hard, into that clever, beautiful mouth, flooding it, jerking forward in his seat to push further in...

His forehead touched down on the table with a thud that was louder than he would have wished. It seemed a good idea to keep it there for the moment until his heart stopped cantering and his breathing returned to normal. Under the table, the mouth had slipped off his cock and bestowed one final kiss before his robe was tugged back down over his knees.

A hand fell on his shoulder. 'Are you all right, Remus?'

'Yes, sir. It's just a bit hot in here, I'll be fine in a minute.'

'Have some water. I'll see if we can open a few windows,' said Dumbledore.

A chair scraped the floor and the headmaster was gone. Remus decided it might be safe to look up now.

Standing opposite him was Lily, one hand stroking Petunia's arm in a pose suggestive of someone trying to calm a hysteric.

'...pervert, and trying to pick me up, too!' she was squealing. He glanced behind them to James who was grinning at him in apparent anticipation. One look told Remus he didn't yet know what had happened, but it probably wouldn't take him long to guess.

Especially not if he saw his friend, who had now slipped back into his seat. Despite his best efforts, he didn't look as innocent as his expression tried to proclaim -- his hair was tousled, his face flushed; and of course the way he lasciviously licked his lips when he caught Remus's eye was a bit of a giveaway, too.

Remus crossed his legs and smoothed down his robes. 'You'll pay for that,' he mouthed deliberately across the table. Sirius smirked and waggled his eyebrows, then nodded blatantly towards the door.

Remus was on his feet with a speed that surprised even himself.

'Going somewhere?' James called from behind them in a tone of mock innocence that declared he knew exactly where they were going.

'Ah... I think Moony just wants a chat with the best man,' he heard.

The very best, Remus thought.